Monday, June 27, 2005

Guaranteed weight loss with: The Guatemalan Diet!

Tried Atkins and it didn’t work? Like chocolate too much for anorexia? Is bulimia just too gross? Well, we’ve got a new one for you that’s just as rapid-impact and unhealthy; it’s called the Guatemalan diet (actually it could be any poor country, but for the moment, it’s Guatemala). Here’s how it works: you eat some street food (or nice restaurant food or even home cooked food, who knows really), and the next day you spew everything but your innards out of both ends and you’re unable to even think about food, much less eat it, for days.

You could go to a doctor but they prescribe antibiotics for everything from the common cold on up so what’s the use? Plus the doctors probably couldn’t decipher your ever-changing symptoms: one day you get lovely sulfurous burps, the next, stomach fluid regurgitation – the Guatemalan Diet certainly keeps you guessing! So, you wallow in your nausea, keep your partner awake with your constant groans of pain and whimpering for mommy, and leave fetal position only to run to the toilet.

With other diets, it’s easy to backslide, but with the Guatemalan Diet, it’s impossible! It won’t stop until your eyes are sunken and you stare about speaking unintelligibly and drooling on people. But you’ve lost 10 pounds! Just think about how cute you’ll look in that new dress. Of course you’ll be too weak to wear it out anywhere, but if your friends stop by to check on you in your half-comatose state, they’ll be sure to notice your emaciation. And isn’t that what we all want? If you would like to speak with one of our participants, please contact Carley who has unwittingly been on the Guatemalan diet for the better part of 2 weeks and can’t seem to get off.

Disclaimer: While the Guatemalan Diet is guaranteed to make you lose weight, serious side-effects may occur. Common side effects include but are not limited to excessive vomiting, violent diarrhea, excrement involving worms, depression, auditory, visual and olfactory hallucinations (not the fun kind), and possibly a very painful death.

A photo of Herbert, Carley's tapeworm, normally found only in rats.

Strange sights in Guatemala